Preface
This is not going to be some sort of useful/thought-provoking commentary on the merits of Facebook. We’ve all been using it for 4+ years now and we can come to one conclusion – it’s awesome. After all this time, after friending 1000+ people, we can understand that there are clear-cut classifications of types of “facebook personalities.” Specifically, I am trying to discern the major categories that I have observed so far. Surely there will be others, and existing species will continue to evolve as facebook invents fantastic new ways to insert myself in people’s lives without bearing the cross of actually speaking to them.
Sexy Man Lays on Elvis Carpet
“The Too Cool for Facebook non facebooker”
This person is not on facebook for some reason. They are obviously a fucking idiot, because they don’t like to see chicks post pictures of themselves in their bathing suit. They can give you some sort of a bullshit reason why they are above the awesomest invention since Jesus invented Christmas. Top reasons these people will give:
1. ” I don’t have enough time because I’m too busy… <insert lie here>” (reading, walking my dog, learning how to knit, jacking my dad off)
2. ”I’m concerned about privacy”….. That’s fake – they aren’t concerned about privacy because they do their banking online. If they don’t, then we should sic rabid dogs on their face.
3. My job/potential job will screen my facebook profile. This is likely the most legit reason. But wait, here’s an idea: just don’t post pictures of the entire intramural floor hockey team gang banging you sophomore year. There are tons of CEO’s, dcotors, lawyers, pedophiles on this site. I’m pretty sure that it won’t goof up your chances of becoming a Teacher’s Aid for a Non-Denominational Preschool class.
The “Heads up, we’re coming” people
“Watch out City of Chicago, me and my girls are on the loose this weekend and there is no f-ing way you are going to be able to handle us!!! 
)))) Uh, no. Just because you are going to drink 6 diet sprite vodka’s, dance on each other and barf on a cab driver does not mean that the City can’t handle you. There are like, a billion (stats taken directly from chicago crime report) people murdered there everyday, so I’m pretty sure the City will survive.
” THE I DON’T KNOW TYPING ETIQUETTE, BUT I’M HERE!!! PEOPLE”
Are they angry, scared, concerned? Is what they have to say really important? Did The Real World get cancelled? No, it’s most likely some quote that they ripped off a google search and then put it in all CAPS. ”HERE’S TO BEING SINGLE, SEEING DOUBLE AND SLEEPING TRIPLE. GET READY TO DANCE LIKE NOBODY’S WATCHING, LIVE LIKE YOU DON’T NEED THE MONEY AND LOVE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT XOXOIXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO”
“FML People”
This is one internet fad that I absolutely despise. That, and the “FAIL” thing. It actually makes me regret inventing the internet, but only for a second. I could tolerate it if the things these people were experiencing were truly horrible, like “I got diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour and found out that I was related to Michael Moore” This, you see, would be a travesty. But no, we get shit like this, “Work from 9:30-2:00, tanning, copying my friend’s homework. UGHH FML!”
“Boat People”
We’ve all got friends that have boats. Boats are super-rad. Like when America sank the Titanic to prevent all those limey-fucks from reaching our pristine shores – that is my favorite boat moment of all time. These “Boat People” however, ruin it for the American Patriots that sank the titanic, and countless other pirate ships.
I will bet you a bazillion euros that at LEAST one of their albums is called “I’m on a boat,” or “I’m on a boat mother-fu*(*” or some derivative.
Boat Man Smith: Taking my boat out of storage! Can’t wait to soak up some rays!
Boat Man Smith: Installing a retarded awesome 100 inch plasama screen on my boat!! Get READY to go boating!
Boat Man Smith: Check out all these hot broads I lured to my boat!!!! Pics available at: indescribableboatrapescenes.com
“I’m the only human being in the world that works, person”
Worked about 70 million hours this week, mother fuckers better hide all the Mike’s Hard cause Imma put it DOWN when I get home!! Yeah! Hhahah! Work! Accounting!
Of course I’m not targeting a specific demographic of workers here, that would be racist and I wouldn’t be entitled to my allotment of food stamps if convicted of this. Now I’m sick of writing again. See you in September. Or November, yeah. I’ll definitely be gone til November.
June 9, 2010 at 9:30 am |
i think there is a category of facebookers that you have forgotten…i call these people the “play by players.” status updates: a trillion times/day. that’s right: woke up, flicked boogers at my wall from the comfort of my own bed, facebook, realized i had an std, pooped, seriously thought about eating my feces for breakfast, facebook, ran ten miles, ralphied up the feces that i decided to eat….you know what i mean. no one cares if you cured aids, built a time machine (email me directly on that), or put a tampon soaked in vodka up your own butthole. these aren’t personal tabloids, so stop blowin up my news feed. keep em witty, keep em classy, and for god’s sake – keep em to a minimum.