Ridiculous things that fill lots of time and make you smile

(mustache sold separately)

All people have “go-to” things that they do when they are bored.

Guys will:

• Play “no-friendo”
• Track ESPN news
• Watch sports
• Trim their mustache
• Work on their muscle cars in the driveway
• Google things like “What should I do if I want my penis to grow 10 inches”

Women Will

• Do their Nails
• Wash their Hair
• Fight for equal pay
• Go to secretarial school
• Post pictures of themselves in bikinis on facebook

There are things that you probably didn’t even know existed that could fill weekends at a time.  It’s a special weekend, with special friends when you get spent 50 hours completely wasting your time, and be happy about it.  Let me share some of my experiences so that you can copy off of me.

Make up Rhymes:

You probably are limited in your ability to sound cool, just like I used to be.  The original rhyme was “What’s the Deal, Neil?”  That was so great for a while, because “Deal” and “Neil” sound the same!!!  Then we thought it was silly saying, “What’s the Strategy, Marjerie?”

The second is actually funnier, because it doesn’t rhyme.

It progresses, but we hit a plateau of coolness/funniness… This weekend we hit the holy grail… We found out that we weren’t bound by grammatical rules or words that really existed, and our consciousness of life, love and spirituality literally exploded before our eyes.

This is what started it off: “What’s the antioxidant, spanticoxifant?”  AWESOME!

Never Directly Answering a Question:

You are a fucking chump if someone asks you a simple and direct question, and then you give them the answer on the first, second, or even hundreth try.

Ken: Yo, where you guys at?

JB:  Buttsex Convention

Ken: Seriously, Where are you guys

JB: Eat my poo

Ken:  What time do you want to meet up?

JB: Beer : 30

Ken:  Are you out with the girls?

JB: Aside from your grandma, who do you mean?

You get the picture.  It’s magical.

Narrating Real-Life Scenes in Your Head

I was out, trying to be a guy with diverse interests this weekend when I was at a vendor fair.  I was alone.  I attempt to portray myself as super out there, willing to do new things all the time.  In reality, if I ever speak to someone that isn’t white, 24 years old, in a fraternity, plays sports, and is buff— I get really nervous.  Here is an almost real life scenario.. In parenthesis will be what I was thinking- please note that in my head my voice sounds like James Earl Jones.

Art Guy that wasn’t white:  Hey, do you live in the neighborhood

Frank: No, I’m from the burbs, bro montana.  (I can’t wait to tell everyone that I talked to some guy!)

Frank:  Are these your paintings? I really like them!  (Smart people like art, so I must like art.)

Art guy:  Yeah, blah blah blah blah, I’m an artist, blah blah cough blah Art

Frank: Wow, interesting.  I always go out to these fairs (If always is never, then yes, I always go to them)

Frank: Honestly, it’s always been my dream to hire an artist to paint something directly on my wall, and give them the freedom to design whatever they want (Opps? Did I just cross into the “accidentally hitting on a guy” territory? Does he think by paint something I my wall, I mean that I want to move to California and marry him?)

Art guy: That sound awesome, here’s my card

Frank: Whoa! Great Card.  Will you please tell people that I spoke with you so they’ll know I have diverse interests??

Great fun.

Never Owning Up to Something that You Blatantly Did:

There are 3 people living at  my friends apartment.  One doesn’t dip.  The other 2 do.

One went to work, leaving me and my friend that chews.

We steal one of the missing guys cans.

Owners of Stolen Chew:  Hey, did you guys take my tin? I had it really neatly placed on my dresser when I left, and I wasn’t drinking last night so I couldn’t possibly have lost it?  In fact, I snapped a picture of it on my dresser this morning.  here is the picture

Me and Stealer of Tin:  No bro.  We didn’t see it. Did the Cubs Win?

Owner:  I’m not sure… So you didn’t see my tin?

Stealer:  It’s warm out today, I love sunshine.

Owners:  I literally bought 2 tins, then left them out.  Was anyone else here today?

Stealers:  Huh?  Here?  Hair? Boogersnot?

Owner: Is that it over there?

Stealer: No, homie, this is mine.

Owner:  Where is my tin you fucks?

Stealer:  I don’t even know what you are talking about

1 hour Later::: Stealers:: Ok, we did it.

It’s just fun.

I plan on building on this list.

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