That's me, and a toilet. It's truly a portable potty. Te-he-he-he.
People think black and white photos are cool. I’m cool (see above for evidence).
I’ve been thinking about my predicament recently. To be specific, my predicament is that I’ve got no game. My first misstep is that I wasted college, in this regard (and perhaps others). For non good-looking men of shot stature, the goal of attending college is kind of like the goal of chicks attending college in the 50′s; lock down a partner that is too good for you. In college, everyone is so drunk and liberal that you are bound to be able to trick someone out of your league into thinking that you have value. I know all sorts of guys that did it.
My second major flaw is that I don’t wear witty graphic tees. Fuck.
HAHAAHA!!! That shirt is so fucking funny and clever!!! 2 Questions, 1 are you single? 2, can I carry your genetic material...in my mouth!?
Another reasons is that I’m not some crazy diehard sports fan…. Here is probably the most cliche chick line of the past 10 years, “I’m not like a real girly girl, I like to be right out there with my job jamming pizza into my face and downing beers while we are watching a baseball game.”
No shit, every other girl is like you. You like dudes to pay 70 bucks a tickets, then buy you enough $8 beers to fuck up an irish dock worker. This is no surpirse, and you are not unique. (rants like the previous one are probably the actual reason I have no game)
Back to what I first began saying, which was “I’m not some crazy diehard sports fanatic”
Begin side rant about sports fans: I’m not sure why it’s noble to be a fantatic/diehard fan of some team. Since I’m a cubs fan, I’ll run with my issues on that…
A sports organization is just like any other huge organization; they are supposed to put out a good product. If they don’t put out a good product, the market is supposed to punish them. And don’t think I’m not thinking about the other benefits of watching losing teams, because I know you are all thinking them- Yes, Wrigely Field is an historic place (yes, it’s supposed to be “an” and not “a”. I’m impressive, so I know things like that) I’d pay 10 bucks to take a tour of the place, but not $100 bucks frequently to watch a bunch of Dominicans play a game that 4 year olds play.
But Frank, it’s exciting! It’s the American Pastime! It’s competition!—-> Yes, but I’m not a part of said competition. I want to compete myself, not watch other people compete. Here is what diehard sports fans are saying, “I like to live vicariously through foreigners, because my life sucks that much.”
If there is a shitty car, people don’t buy it, or they pay accordingly.
End Side Rant
For whatever reason, I don’t understand small talk or flirting. The only way I really ever meet new people is it is a good friend, of a current friend of mine. In that case, I just lie to myself and pretend that they must already think I’m cool, and act accordingly. It typically works.
But, just meeting some babe in bar is lost on me. What is flirting exactly? Example:
Frank: Hi, I’m Frank. I had my colon removed and had a shitbag for like 3 months. It was an amazing experience, I have a whole new outlook on life. I think I’ve grown as a person, and I will therefore be a better husband and father because of my unique understanding of life’s problems, and have an ability to cope with most difficult situations. I’m ambitious, intelligent, well read and have no life threatening sexually transmitted diseases that I would pass to either you, or our future children.
Girl in question: Uh, did you just, like, say, like, that you have to take a shit and that you have the clap? Eww!
Now, what a pimp would do:
Hey baby, marrying me now would be like buying microsoft stock in the 80's. Ha, yeah, I know i've got great hair. My friends called me Uncle Jessie in high school. Yeah, I've got a tough guy exterior, but I've got a gentle heart. If anyone talks to , I'll fuck them up because I'm tough, but in a romantic way. Let's
July 24, 2009 at 8:47 am |
A pimp would have edited, instead of writing at a 6th grade level and leaving it that way. That would have been far more radical.
July 24, 2009 at 12:37 pm |
I never have edited my stuff. I am raw and uncut, like a jew.
July 24, 2009 at 2:54 pm |
Maybe you could discuss that in your next blog about how much you suck. You could include some additional Jew-similes for those of us who appreciate good prose. I share some of your aforementioned faults, along with some far more egregious ones (above-average height, work ethic that results in total lack of free time, poor tolerance for alcohol, horrible sense of humor). I am lacking in sports fanaticism (e.g. – when I’m drinking for recreation, I prefer to discuss the following niche subjects: fascinating business ideas; national and local politics; global balance of military power; and, when I’m really loaded“who’s going to do the next genocide to whom” -which is actually a surprisingly interesting topic of discussion, should you ever have the pleasure). The prevailing word for describing your disdain for small talk is “mendacity”, and I would suggest watching “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” if you are the type who likes to pay attention to the movies you watch. If you aren’t going to edit your blogs, freaking write them more often. You are on my “morning coffee websites” tab, and it’s disappointing to see the same crappy post every morning – I need visual stimuli.