I am a palm reader

" Because anything less would be uncivilised" (pretensious old spelling)

I can predict a number of things about you by the way you shake my hand.

'Le Dead Fish'

Le Dead fish is probably the most commonly “off” noted handshake in the world.  After conducting over 200 hours of research at a nuclear power plant, I determined that nearly 98% of French people probably shake hands like this…. Hence the name of said variety.

This is characterized by cold, clammy hands and the inability to squeeze probably. The ultimate weak-willed male might pull this on you, and it could be the deciding factor that rather than going out for beers, he’d rather pick out curtains.  (curtains are nice, but Jeez Louise it’s tough to find a good decorator these days)

To use in a sentence, “Yeah man, we were about to invite James to a Monster Truck Rally, but then he gave me “Le Dead Fish,” so I set him up to go shopping for antiques with my sister.”

"Le Chick Filet o' Fish" (sorry for the graphic nature of the picture)

Le Chick Filet o Fish is just the female version of the above mentioned variation, except that a female is conducting it (this is clearly denoted by the bare breast in the photo).  Even though women can do great things like drive and become secretaries, the unenlightened few feel the need to be meek.

Does not necessarily have to be clammy, but when it happens, you know you are speaking with someone who will likely not be useful to society, in like, 10 years (this is because computers will be able to make babies, and there will be no more use for weak women)

To use in a sentence, “When I met Barbie, she ‘Chick Filet’d’ me, so I took her to my house and forced her to make me a full turkey dinner.”

(Please note: this is in jest and I think women are wondeful, and created in the likeness of man, and thus, God)

I must break you (pictured above is a vice grip)

Polly Vice gripping stems from millenia of degradation of women.  Even though women can get sweet jobs and have stopped cooking for their husbands, some still feel the sting of inequality, and overcompensate by trying to crush my hand when I meet them.

Polly vice grippers often come in disguise.  You might think you are meeting a normal human being, but then your fingers get dislocated and you get a lecture on how women are still being oppressed.

“When I met good ole Suzie and she ‘Polly Vice Gripped” me, I knew that she was hung like a shetland pony”

I will pound your face to a pulp, even though I wear clown shoes.

Clown Shoe McTuff Guy. Watch out for this faux-alpha male as he tries to crush the bones out of your hands.  You can normally tell just by looking at someone that they are going to “McTuff Guy” you.

These are usually the guys that had a fair bit of atheletic prowess, stand at around 6’2, and are fat (but they lift sometimes, so they think they are hyyyooooggge).  For whatever reason (the reason being they are dumb and have small weeners), these guys will overcompensate for all of their failures in life by sledgehammering your hand into submission.

“Glen “McTuff Guy’d me when we first met, so I can assume that he is hung like a bee”

No, no, wait...I need a re-do

If you get “Napoleoned” you probably want a redo.  This happened to me just today.  I was meeting a completely new coworker, trying to put my best foot forward and give a stellar handshake and eye contact when:  BAM!  I failed to get a good grip on him and I accidentally “Le Dead Fished” him.

Now, the very fact that I recognized this and wanted a do-over is indicative that I’m not a bean-sprout eating sissy (I am), but that I needed another try.  This is basically the mulligan of hand-shakes.  It is called a Napoleon because it is awkward for you, since you feel that you have mis-represented yourself.

“I think that Timmy might have gotten “Napoleon’d” by me when we meet, because he got all flushed and started cursing and smacking his forehead when he walked away”

Advertisement