I da man
In case you are not completely up to speed with radical text lingo, the title of this entry stands for “Please.stop.texting.me.with.abbreviations.I.don’t.understand.fuck.you.” The last words are key. I was under the impression that the wave of QWERTY keyboards would stop this nonsense. God bless your hearts for communicating with me though, as I am always pleased to communicate with the American People (capitalized for respekt, bro).
Let me begin, again, by apologizing. I would like to apologize to myself.
“Frank, I am sorry for breaking my committment to you. I set out to do something new, different and exciting every day. But, every day monotony is addicitive, as you well know. Rather than journal what new and fun things I had done to better myself and our galaxy, I watched Prison Break. God, please have mercy on my soul”
Now that I have made amends, with myself, we can begin the experiment again. To be quite truthful, I have at least 8 things that I have yet to tell you about. But, I had an interesting observation today that I ought to explore.
(Side note: irregardless is not a word. I said it recently and I got called out, and was embarrassed when we looked it up. )
Honking your horn, unnecessarily, is probably an indication that you have a shitty job, a mediocre girlfriend, eat far too many refined sugars and are weak-willed.
Disclaimer: I understand that honking your horn to avoid an accident is acceptable. You are not weak-willed, but on the contrary, you are strong and cute.
I was driving around beautiful Darien today, and I saw (well, I guess I actually heard) someone honk. It was one of those situations where the light had turned green, but Driver 1 was texting/eating a big mac/beating their child in the backseat when inevitably, Driver 2 lays on the horn.
Driver 2, this begs the question…. Bitch you ain’t from Russia bitch, so bitch why you rushin? Old rap quotes aside…seriously…I highly doubt, judging by your rusted out Cavalier, that you are a skilled surgeon rushing to do a heart transplant, so please, if you must beep, beep lighlty. The tone and length of your horn honk says a lot about you. Laying on the horn, you are “fake” busy. You are probably stressed to high-heaven, and at the tail end of a 72 drinking session and hate yourself because of decisions you made in high school.
I jest, but for cereal freshy fresh… I feel as though we’ve built ourselves a culture that dictates we do everything quickly, even if that everything is, nothing at all. Can we not enjoy the journey? I am having a lovely Tuesday evening drive. It is 75 degrees out. The scene is set for what is about to happen.
Frank (sitting in his jeep, behind a rusted out Cavalier): Says to no one in particular, “Gosh, I really love listening to LFO. I mean, probably not as much as Braksick, but these guys are the truf!“
Cavalier Guy (eating a plastic bag full of cheerios, ala Frank in 1st grade): Gee, I love eating cheerios and not watching the stop light at all! For all I know, it could be green right now!
………Meanwhile, the stoplight has in fact, turned green. Cavalier guy has not budged………..
Frank Reaction # 1 (enjoying his journey of life)
Gets out of car, lightly raps on the window of Cavalier guy. “Why good evening good sir! Would you care for a smoke? Anywho, the light hath turned green. Shall we go forth, and just sit here for a while, talk, and marvel at how the universe brought us together” Good day!!!
Frank Reaction #2 (pissed at not being better at football in high school)
Lays on the horn. Not only this, but also does the mandatory slam of the gas, catch up to the Cavalier guy, and then stare him down.
If you ever cause me a 2 second delay again, I will fucking kill you. In fact, if you give me a stare back, we might just fight on the side of the road. I will beat your ass for not immediately pressing the gas when the light turns green
Pressing on, what do your actions accomplish? You put someone else in a bad mood by honking? This brings up a quote I love well, “If a butterfly flaps its wings, it can cause a huge scary person to skull-fuck you.”
That is not actually the quote, but the idea is that the tiniest of actions from you, can have effects that reverberate about the globe. So if you must put out a vibe, put out a good one. Because,following this logic, you never know if a dirty word can cause an Asian to starve, in Asia (or wherever they are from)
In the Princess Bride, Indigo Montaya begs his sword to guide him to find the man that can help avenge his father. Since this is a sweet movie, I tried to ask Ashton's Kutcher live soul to guide my hand to the creation of an image that would signify my discussion here. The above is the representation of a butterfly, magically mating with a flying dinosaur. After they mate, a rainbow flows our of their collective hearts, and the universe audibly sighs.
Why Ashton? Remember that awesome movie where he can travel in time by reading his journal???? Well, at the outset of that movie, the quote about the butterfly is flashed.
(note: when I drew that picture on my computer, I accidentally named it “buttfly”…hehe)
